A-Light-In-Id/Enlightened

  At the end of that long and hard but epic night, I watched the sun rise... I thought of him. Of the long, hard and painful night he had endured, that would also end with a bright flash of light.
   And at that prolific moment, my last bit of energy concentrated on making sense of our story.
   All I knew was a feeling of realization.
   I realized from all that thought, that his story had ended on page 378 of mine. I realized that it was me holding myself down now, tying me down like a pair of shoe strings, like a pile of rocks.
   It was then that my thoughts reflected on what I thought after light would be like for him. My mind found a synonym, what would after light be like for me? We had been disbanded as single threads of DNA previously from the same genome, but it was confirmed to me that at least one of us had mutated DNA.
   We were disconnected, I didn't need to keep thinking about him when I was having those mind-blowing epiphany moments of epic funness. No. It was I who still thought of his sun as setting. It was I who perpetually reminded myself day after day that I was lucky to have life, it was I who constantly thought of him as still lingering around and it was I who thought I needed that shoulder to cry on.
   And as a lonesome bunny skimped across the lightening trail down below me, I was alighted to observe that he was constantly in fear of dying.
   I didn't want to live a perpetual life of fear and remorse. Forever worrying about him, feeling guilty for being able to stay. So without further adieu, I cut the last chord as the sun smashed intothe edge of the sky.
   I was free...
     Freedom, I inhaled it.
It tasted like pink, sweet, cotton candy. Could I ask for more? Actually, yes. I had freed myself from me and was in control of the cotton candy.
   The street light flickered out. I believed I had a new shoulder to cry tears of pink, sweet, wet, cotton candy on. I had been alighted, here came the after light...

Carpe tu diem

Journal; A Situational Let Down Surrounding a Large Hospital

   As I swung around the round-abouts, hoping that I was on the correct street, I was already 15 minutes late.
    Traffic at 4:30? Seemed a bit early for this part of town. I guess I really hadn't thought about needing 30 extra minutes.
   In the back of my mind I was very worried that they wouldn't let me come in, but why would they schedule an appointment when there was only 30 minutes left in their work day? The appointment would take longer than 30 minutes, of that I was certain. Thus there was no way they closed at five o'clock.
   However female anatomy doctors had the stereotype (at least in my own mind) of being considerably lazy. Or maybe I wasn't their biggest concern. Probably, especially if you weren't actually lying on a stretcher screaming during a contraction. Must be where the money is.
   Between their hour lunches to starting at 10am, I was confirmed in my lazy stereotype. When I called the main hospital call reception, they said there were no longer receptionists at that part of the hospital's clinic. So it was indeed the end of the day for them.
   But I continued to drive into the parking lot. Goodness there's a lot of kids getting out of cars. But my quarter tank of gas lasted a whole hour!
As I walked quickly out onto the hospital's sidewalk I realized I was at Children's Hospital. Swearing I got back in the car, realizing it was probably some signage I didn't read…or was there signage?
   Now I really was late. I no longer had any hope that they were there. After having waited a week because my general practitioner said she could do a basic test. Which simply confused me into thinking she could do a basic procedure like this.
   All I knew is that now I was going to have to survive another week, at the least, of severely beating myself up inside my head & being unable to comprehend getting any work done.
  What was I going to tell my boyfriend? He would have to be walking on egg shells for another whole week when he'd already endured enough.
  And Mom would be mad that it didn't happen, might even think I had been gaming instead of paying attention to the time. Plus I had just talked to Dad because I couldn't figure out where to go. That was unusual because I had looked it up on Google Maps but there were 10 locations and none of them made sense. They seemed to all be down the street from where my general practitioner was. I realized (too late) that that street merged into a different one and I ended up a block away in five o'clock traffic.
   Why did they have to abruptly change streets?
  As I frowned my way through countless and ridiculous curiosity stares, I reached the elevator.
   Approaching the desk, my heart dropped to see the lights off and no one there. Maybe... A door opened. Her beautiful brown eyes and black face said "oh dear" she may have even muttered it or I became psychic all of a sudden. She started asking me questions. Three or four questions in and my emotions overcame me (which happens a lot these days),
"It's fine, I'll go" I think I said though it was likely "whatever I'll go" that I actually said.
"no honey hang on"
She asked me a few more questions, came back with the doctor not there, I apologized for being late. Though I probably should have apologized for my attitude as well.
   Walking down the hall the frown turned to a pout. Why couldn't I just fix myself? I was actually trying. It felt like an uphill battle I couldn't win right now.
   It was a circle of anguish, if I had gotten the help, I wouldn't miss things and if I didn't miss things I would have gotten what I needed.
   It was an emotional hormone crutch that I needed and wasn't getting.
   This was almost getting as serious as the week it took them to realize that I actually hadn't gotten a refill on my anti-depressants. Honestly were they trying to make me commit suicide?
   I knew that it was definitely my fault, at the same time it felt as though there was a spiritual message. Something like third times the charm or more serious than that.
   There was a general impulse within me to blame them for something, but there just wasn't any reason. Maybe it felt impersonal? Though the desk lady was really sweet and honestly cared.
    In actuality, I just felt bad from the incoming weather, hormone influx and the situation (my fault or not) being a let down.

Support

   Well hello there again! Seems another week has passed us by, hope you guys didn't match your socks and lived life to its fullest potential (though I hope you guys still slept).
   One of the reasons I listed last week about creating this blog was to give support to the community of cancer fighters/survivors, and others with life-threatening diseases. Of course there are several kinds of support, for simplification's sake, I have decidedly grouped them into the most common three areas of health; mental, physical, and social.  This particular post will only cover one of these, because lets face it, its going to be hard to even cover only one support area in a single post! Today is...drum roll please...Social!
   To start off with, this topic is very near and dear to my heart. Annie was the icon of social support, she never let anyone get pushed to the side and she was always there for you. She knew everybody's name, and would never forget where and when she met you. Considering she had short term memory loss, this was absolutely incredible! She couldn't remember what you might have gotten into an argument with her about the prior day (part of the reason she was so marvelous at forgiveness) but she would always remember you. Another reason its very near and dear to my heart is that I myself didn't feel in any shape or form socially supported until I was 12. For 10 years I didn't know anyone whom had survived cancer that was relatively even close to my age. It was very difficult, I felt weird, as if nobody could understand. At one point I considered it to be true that no one would ever marry me because of the late effects of my cancer. Then I was introduced to Sky High Hope Camp (Colorado). I met a ton of kids and siblings who had been through the exact same experience as mine! It was an incredibly radical change for me! The whole experience made me feel supported again!
   Connecting with others who have been through even just a similar experience can give your life a whole new group of friends, plus as human beings we just want to be understood. Why are you scared of needles so much? Why do you dislike hospitals so much? Why do you look that way? Why do you have to take shots everyday? Meeting the right people means that you have friends and/or people to look up to that may not even need to ask these questions. Unfortunately, it can be very scary to meet these people, or you may just be thinking, "Oh I don't want to be like them" or "I don't want to associate with them". I'm here to say that you just really need to take the plunge. Guaranteed, you won't feel worse than when you didn't have people who understood, and coming to terms with the fact that you have cancer or a life-threatening disease could be very mentally healthy for you.
   Basically, don't go it alone. Even a therapist can help, and some of them are covered by insurance especially when someone is going through a life-threatening disease or cancer.
   Currently, I'm thinking of starting a page particularly dedicated to summer camps, events, and volunteer opportunities for all ages and eventually all states! Up until 3 years ago, there wasn't an easy way to sign up your child or volunteer for all the summer camps for kids with cancer or life-threatening diseases in the state of Colorado. Along with that, there aren't just summer camps. There are parties! And proms! oh my! Don't forget ski trips, and vacation opportunities. Heck I might even consider putting Make-A-Wish on there, even if it isn't technically "social". Recently, I found out there are also "studies" (for lack of a better word) that will connect you with people who have also been through the same cancer or life-threatening disease. Wouldn't it be nice to know someone who may have been through exactly the same things as you?
   Another way to get in contact that I am thinking of enacting is something much more simple, e-mailing me! Or in the future some of my friends! Talking to anyone about what you are going through can really help, even if you are a parent, sibling, guardian, nurse, doctor, or any other family or friend! Though, as a prior patient, patients need the most attention. Sorry family members and friends, its just the truth.
   So for right now I'm going to list all the events in Colorado for children with cancer or life-threatening diseases. Some of them may say that they are cancer specific, but for all of them they are very understanding organizations, and thus you should feel free to contact them and ask about attending no matter what is happening in your life.

Summer Camps:
Sky High Hope Camp
http://skyhighhope.org/

Wapi-Yapi
http://wapiyapi.org/

Nighthawk Ranch
http://nighthawkranchcolorado.org/

Events:
Miracle Party
http://www.miraclepartyfoundation.org/#!

Trips and Adventures!
Shining Stars
http://www.shiningstarsfoundation.org/

Those are all the ones I could think of and find as of right now.

Now if you would, please put down those laundered socks and make some friends!
Love and accept always,
~Kate

This is For the Fighters

Hello there,
  Let me introduce myself, I am Kate, this page's official blogger! As with any blog, its hard to summarize the path that has lead the blogger to come to write about the topic. For this topic, sometimes words can't express it. Emotions won't always do it justice either, though speechless makes me think of a lack of both emotions and words, and sometimes this topic does fall into that category.
  Terminal diseases. No one wants to hear, think or even remember theirs. But we have to. We NEED to. We can't forget that they exist or we forget to help others fight, or to even fight ourselves.
  My story is that I had cancer, at a really young age. But surprisingly this blog isn't about my cancer, it wasn't even inspired by what I went through. This blog is about the last words my best friend Anise said to me, that really impacted me, "Life is too short to match socks". What do those words mean to you? Do they mean enough to you?
  About two years ago now, I turned to my good friend Annie and as usual upon seeing her socks exclaimed, "Oh! Your socks don't match!" Well everyone said this to Annie, and I'm sure she had a while to think about this response, but I only heard it once, "Life is too short to match socks".
   Her words caught me off guard and resounded in my soul. So of course, after her passing, my socks never match now! And why the heck should they?
  This saying to me means that we need to live and cut out the unnecessary parts of our life. Those parts that aren't worth our time, and sometimes its more fun not doing them! I mean dinosaur socks on one foot and kitty cat socks on the other!?! Who wouldn't have a great day?!?
  On a day in May 2013 Annie passed away. She passed away ultimately from the after affects of cancer and of her Lyme's disease. Her beautiful spirit lives on though. You may be surprised to know that the majority of people had no idea that she was in pain. Lots of pain. She was so strong, and didn't always have an easy time of life. Those who knew her in actuality couldn't help but love her though. Everyone makes everyone whom passed away look like a perfect person, and rightfully so, respect for those not with us is a social etiquette that no one should forget. However; I mean it when I say that Annie was a very incredibly caring woman. I was very alone and Anise helped me into the community for childhood cancer survivors. As long as you were trying to be your best, Annie wanted to help you. Sometimes people aren't their best, Annie knew this and would always forgive you once an apology was made. She had her humanly faults (none that I can think of right now) but the important thing to see is that her tiniest saying meant so much.
   I'm starting this page not only in memory of Annie (its about time actually) but to also educate, give support, and remind people that "Life is too short to match socks".
Remember to love and accept,
~Kate