A-Light-In-Id/Enlightened

  At the end of that long and hard but epic night, I watched the sun rise... I thought of him. Of the long, hard and painful night he had endured, that would also end with a bright flash of light.
   And at that prolific moment, my last bit of energy concentrated on making sense of our story.
   All I knew was a feeling of realization.
   I realized from all that thought, that his story had ended on page 378 of mine. I realized that it was me holding myself down now, tying me down like a pair of shoe strings, like a pile of rocks.
   It was then that my thoughts reflected on what I thought after light would be like for him. My mind found a synonym, what would after light be like for me? We had been disbanded as single threads of DNA previously from the same genome, but it was confirmed to me that at least one of us had mutated DNA.
   We were disconnected, I didn't need to keep thinking about him when I was having those mind-blowing epiphany moments of epic funness. No. It was I who still thought of his sun as setting. It was I who perpetually reminded myself day after day that I was lucky to have life, it was I who constantly thought of him as still lingering around and it was I who thought I needed that shoulder to cry on.
   And as a lonesome bunny skimped across the lightening trail down below me, I was alighted to observe that he was constantly in fear of dying.
   I didn't want to live a perpetual life of fear and remorse. Forever worrying about him, feeling guilty for being able to stay. So without further adieu, I cut the last chord as the sun smashed intothe edge of the sky.
   I was free...
     Freedom, I inhaled it.
It tasted like pink, sweet, cotton candy. Could I ask for more? Actually, yes. I had freed myself from me and was in control of the cotton candy.
   The street light flickered out. I believed I had a new shoulder to cry tears of pink, sweet, wet, cotton candy on. I had been alighted, here came the after light...

Carpe tu diem

Journal; A Situational Let Down Surrounding a Large Hospital

   As I swung around the round-abouts, hoping that I was on the correct street, I was already 15 minutes late.
    Traffic at 4:30? Seemed a bit early for this part of town. I guess I really hadn't thought about needing 30 extra minutes.
   In the back of my mind I was very worried that they wouldn't let me come in, but why would they schedule an appointment when there was only 30 minutes left in their work day? The appointment would take longer than 30 minutes, of that I was certain. Thus there was no way they closed at five o'clock.
   However female anatomy doctors had the stereotype (at least in my own mind) of being considerably lazy. Or maybe I wasn't their biggest concern. Probably, especially if you weren't actually lying on a stretcher screaming during a contraction. Must be where the money is.
   Between their hour lunches to starting at 10am, I was confirmed in my lazy stereotype. When I called the main hospital call reception, they said there were no longer receptionists at that part of the hospital's clinic. So it was indeed the end of the day for them.
   But I continued to drive into the parking lot. Goodness there's a lot of kids getting out of cars. But my quarter tank of gas lasted a whole hour!
As I walked quickly out onto the hospital's sidewalk I realized I was at Children's Hospital. Swearing I got back in the car, realizing it was probably some signage I didn't read…or was there signage?
   Now I really was late. I no longer had any hope that they were there. After having waited a week because my general practitioner said she could do a basic test. Which simply confused me into thinking she could do a basic procedure like this.
   All I knew is that now I was going to have to survive another week, at the least, of severely beating myself up inside my head & being unable to comprehend getting any work done.
  What was I going to tell my boyfriend? He would have to be walking on egg shells for another whole week when he'd already endured enough.
  And Mom would be mad that it didn't happen, might even think I had been gaming instead of paying attention to the time. Plus I had just talked to Dad because I couldn't figure out where to go. That was unusual because I had looked it up on Google Maps but there were 10 locations and none of them made sense. They seemed to all be down the street from where my general practitioner was. I realized (too late) that that street merged into a different one and I ended up a block away in five o'clock traffic.
   Why did they have to abruptly change streets?
  As I frowned my way through countless and ridiculous curiosity stares, I reached the elevator.
   Approaching the desk, my heart dropped to see the lights off and no one there. Maybe... A door opened. Her beautiful brown eyes and black face said "oh dear" she may have even muttered it or I became psychic all of a sudden. She started asking me questions. Three or four questions in and my emotions overcame me (which happens a lot these days),
"It's fine, I'll go" I think I said though it was likely "whatever I'll go" that I actually said.
"no honey hang on"
She asked me a few more questions, came back with the doctor not there, I apologized for being late. Though I probably should have apologized for my attitude as well.
   Walking down the hall the frown turned to a pout. Why couldn't I just fix myself? I was actually trying. It felt like an uphill battle I couldn't win right now.
   It was a circle of anguish, if I had gotten the help, I wouldn't miss things and if I didn't miss things I would have gotten what I needed.
   It was an emotional hormone crutch that I needed and wasn't getting.
   This was almost getting as serious as the week it took them to realize that I actually hadn't gotten a refill on my anti-depressants. Honestly were they trying to make me commit suicide?
   I knew that it was definitely my fault, at the same time it felt as though there was a spiritual message. Something like third times the charm or more serious than that.
   There was a general impulse within me to blame them for something, but there just wasn't any reason. Maybe it felt impersonal? Though the desk lady was really sweet and honestly cared.
    In actuality, I just felt bad from the incoming weather, hormone influx and the situation (my fault or not) being a let down.